If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
