I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
