I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
