Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My life is pants optional.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize