Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
