also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
