Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Come share oat with me in your robe
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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