he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
