Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
