The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
