Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize