bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
