the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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