I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
