Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
