She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
