i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
