I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
