Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
