Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
