not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
