Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
