My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
