You're earring is so big in my mouth
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
