The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
It's never too late to be topless.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
