DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
