I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize