The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
