saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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