oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
