masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
