I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
