I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
my shit smells like andre
Princesses don't give blow jobs
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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