Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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