First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
