you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
