Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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