he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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