I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
