Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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