Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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