thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
