Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
