yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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