Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
