ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize