I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
