anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
