I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
