Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize