Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
