tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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