my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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