Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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