So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
