So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
