My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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