Even the bartender felt bad for me
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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