I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
